Palms Open

Palms Open

That whole fear of not being good enough drove me to a workaholic faith. The thought of never being good enough translated into never doing enough. I would look at other people’s lives (playing the comparison game) and think they were doing so much more eternally worthy things in their lives. I would go into panic mode and start analyzing what I was doing and what else I could be doing. All the while, I was working so hard to make everything in my life look perfect (which obviously is impossible). And if I wasn’t perfect, I thought something was wrong – so something was always wrong and I was constantly trying to fix myself. And I thought my faith was just “not enough” (there are those two words again). I was totally over-thinking the “faith without works is dead” thing (James 2:26). This morning, I was reminded by my daily Bible verse on YouVersion, that it is so much simpler than that. “for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” (Philippians 2:13) The more I tried to will myself to do work for God’s good pleasure, the more circles I ran around what really matters. Pretty soon, I would run myself into the ground. Thank the Lord, He does not leave us where we are. And thank the Lord for Bob Goff. It was in his book, Love Does that I was introduced to the “Palms Open” way of living. I’m sure God has tried to run this idea by me several times, but it finally clicked when...
The Guilt of Falling Short

The Guilt of Falling Short

I was so strange as a child. If I thought I had done anything deserving punishment, I would tell my mom and send myself to my room. Most of the time, it was my own rules I had broken. This was at 5 years-old. That’s when I began chasing perfection. And it got worse. I was reading self-help books in middle school. I wanted the perfect life. I was taking it a step at a time. I could always be better than I was yesterday. (Anyone with me?) But I was impatient. I would plead with God to make me “better”. That’s not a bad prayer, but better leads to perfect and that’s really what I was after. A few years ago, I realized that my ultimate subconscious goal was to “make myself perfect.” And when I fell short of that, I would become engulfed by guilt. I was so sick of feeling guilty for falling short. I knew in my head that ultimately God’s grace covers all of me – good and bad, but in daily life I just didn’t embrace that grace. I just wanted be free – to live as I am, love God and love others. I can gratefully type now, God has freed me and is healing me from the years of the imprisonment. It really was like being in a jail with the door wide open, but I was telling myself I wasn’t good enough to be free. That’s the first thing he has revealed. My Biggest FEAR: I am not good enough. See how the goal of getting “better” plays into this?...