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The battle of Toloha

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Warning: I’m about to get real, which is why I started this blog. I’m not trying to air all my dirty laundry. I’m simply being real. This is a real struggle. I hope my hashing it out on this public blog will be a testimony to what real Christian life actually is. It is not all sunshine and rainbows. It is hard. It is a battle. Thankfully, that battle is already won. Sometimes I forget that. Lately, I am in a specific battle with myself right now. I am on the board of a non-profit I helped found called Toloha Partnership. It has been an amazing experience. Seriously. I have lived out my faith in ways that I never could have dreamed I, a mother of three could. Unfortunately, my responsibilities as a board member,  fundraising committee co-chair and PR Team leader have become a burden that I’ve been trying to carry alone. I’ve grown bitter about it because I want to do so much with it – blog, sharing photos, sharing about our recent trip, going to churches to make them aware of it, and so on. I just haven’t had hardly any time to put into it. So then, it just becomes a frustration. The fact that I feel this way about it breaks my heart. It has not always been this way. I  jumped whole-heartily into Toloha Partnership because I felt it needed done and somebody needed to do it.  I really didn’t think that was me. But then God showed me Toloha. He forced my mind’s eyelids open and made me stare Toloha right in...

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I’m starting to see a pattern through writing this blog. Mondays are completely out of whack. And so are my hormones, but I knew that. Over the past few years, I’ve experienced post partum depression in a way that I didn’t know existed. Anxiety leading to the blues. At first, I didn’t even know what it was. I just thought I had anger issues, which I may very well have. But then, I realized a lot of times, my rage came out of nowhere and was accompanied by a racing heartbeat and discombobulated thoughts. Hmmm. That’s strange. I’m pretty even-keeled so it was completely uncharacteristic. It was definitely enhanced by my bad habit of bottling things up without any sort of release. Anyway, once I realized what was going on, I was able to control myself a little better. Well, no, I listened to the Holy Spirit more and gave up control more often. Me controlling myself always results in yelling and throwing or kicking things. Yes, I’ve broken plastic dishes and a trash can. There. It’s out there. Soooo… today, a mood swing crept up on me and after several frustrating attempts to get my children to listen and obey, I snapped. Ugh. I hate it. Tears were shed by every person awake in the house (the baby was sleeping…through it all…amazingly). Thankfully, within 5 minutes, everyone had kissed and hugged and apologized. I apologize to my children on a regular basis and tell them that I am imperfect, and today, for the first time, I told them being a mommy is hard. I know it is wrong...

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Yesterday, Linds and I had a morning and early afternoon to do absolutely whatever we wanted. Our husbands gifted us some “grown-up girl bonding time.” (I’m so bummed I have no pix of the two of us!) We did not delay! We headed out at 8am for breakfast and then went over to Historic Beaufort. We perused shops, bought some goodies for the kiddos, splurged on a few little trinkets, a dress and a side table. (I’m stinking excited about the table, but I have a little buyer’s remorse, too.) It was so good to have an adult conversation and just mosey around at our leisure. The only potty breaks we had to take was for ourselves. We were going to take the whole day for ourselves, but then, we thought about the guys packing up the kids and cleaning the house to leave by 5pm. My first thought was not selfless, it was ” something will definitely be forgotten.” Then, came the guilt. “It’s not really fair for us to leave them with that huge task.” Then came the regret, “it’s our last day at the beach and we really didn’t have much family time.” So, we went back early to help clean and pack and then we got everyone into their bathing suits and headed back to the ocean for one last hurrah! It was so worth it. Then, last night we introduced Marcus and Lindsey to our favorite restaurant of all time (well, mine, at least): The Chef and the Farmer. As I like to say, don’t go there because you’re hungry. Go to experience food....
Mama Time

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Today, my college roomie, Linds and I stayed with the kiddos while the guys went out into the sea with our good friend Clint to catch a few big fish. Clint’s wife and my Ktown BFF, Mary kept us mama’s company at the house. It was fun to have our college life collide with Ktown life.  Unfortunately, seasickness & sunburn overcame the guys. Sad day. Us girls had a good time, though. It was good to just BE with the kids. No phone (except for the camera) distracted me. I got in the water, splashed and played with them. I’ve always had a little fear of sea creatures, but other than that lurking fear, I let my inhibitions go so I could have fun with them. What a good day. P.S. We actually did school while the younger kids were taking a rest. She did so great. She even made a little Christopher Columbus puppet. These are taken with my iPhone and no edits 🙂 Disclaimer: this is real...

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Okay, I confess, we have a nanny come for 7 hours once a week and sometimes more. I work from home. There is no way I could do half of what I do without a nanny and my mom. I used to try to work at home with 1 and then 2 kids with no help whatsoever. It resulted in a lot of frustration, resentment, bitterness toward my husband and almost burn-out. I was trying too hard to achieve my dream and dreams will never come true if you try to force them to become reality before their time… His time. It was at Making Things Happen when Lara Casey and Emily Ley had me speak the words of permission to give up the “mommy guilt”of trying to to be the perfect and control every aspect of my children’s lives, that I first start considering childcare. I was pregnant with our third. Around the same time, my parents found out they were going to be able to move to our town. Bonus! I would be getting free childcare with one of the few people I trusted to raise my children. As we went week to week, something changed. My dad started working 3 hours away. He just wasn’t able to find a position that fit nearby. So they bought a condo and now they split their time between here and there. It was a blow at first. Here, I thought finally after 4 years, my mom no longer has to be 10 hours from her grandkids and instead be 45 seconds from our house. But, now they have to live...