I was so strange as a child. If I thought I had done anything deserving punishment, I would tell my mom and send myself to my room. Most of the time, it was my own rules I had broken. This was at 5 years-old. That’s when I began chasing perfection.
And it got worse. I was reading self-help books in middle school. I wanted the perfect life. I was taking it a step at a time. I could always be better than I was yesterday. (Anyone with me?)
But I was impatient. I would plead with God to make me “better”. That’s not a bad prayer, but better leads to perfect and that’s really what I was after.
A few years ago, I realized that my ultimate subconscious goal was to “make myself perfect.” And when I fell short of that, I would become engulfed by guilt. I was so sick of feeling guilty for falling short. I knew in my head that ultimately God’s grace covers all of me – good and bad, but in daily life I just didn’t embrace that grace. I just wanted be free – to live as I am, love God and love others.
I can gratefully type now, God has freed me and is healing me from the years of the imprisonment. It really was like being in a jail with the door wide open, but I was telling myself I wasn’t good enough to be free. That’s the first thing he has revealed.
My Biggest FEAR: I am not good enough.
See how the goal of getting “better” plays into this? I used to think, “One day, I will be good enough and then I won’t have to be afraid any more.” The next questions on my journey:
“Who am I trying to be good enough for?”
“Why am I so afraid of falling short?”
I want to share my journey of healing with you, but it’s going to take time (I’m still on the journey afterall). For now, watch this:
Video: Lara Casey
Are you chasing perfection? What is your fear?
Resources: Making Things Happen (this was HUGE for me)
Make It Happen – Lara Casey
Running Scared – Edward T. Welch
Love Does – Bob Goff